- Thou shall psych oneself up prior to walking into the store by carefully considering a plan of attack. ?This means not lingering for a period of time that is likely to draw suspicious glances from staff.
- Though shall have a cover story in place that suggests thou is purchasing for wife/girlfriend/mistress as a surprise present.
- Though shall pretend to be far less knowledgeable about sizing and fabrics to the staff to ensure thou appears as a stereotypical dumb male buying lingerie.
- Thou shall tell staff the wife/girlfriend/mistress is a size ‘X’ and under no circumstances say ‘she’s about my size’. ?This clearly gives the staff member reason to believe thou is buying for oneself.
- Thou shall only purchase underwear with a wide gusset. ?Bare minimum of 4 inches or 10cm. ?This will avoid splitting oneself in two, having one testicle in confinement and one on the loose or raising your voice by 6 octaves.
- Thou shall keep well clear of thongs and G Strings as they generally only have 1.2 square inches of fabric in the front. ?Refer point 5.
- Though shall stick with stretch fabrics only, despite being hypnotically drawn towards bright shiny satins and polyesters. ?Snap out of it. ?We both know they are not going to work.
- Thou shall not indulge in fantasies of the store assistants ‘helping you’ with your lingerie in the change room. ?Make the purchase and escape!
- Thou shall take advantage of Valentine’s and Christmas periods to stock up on lingerie in vast amounts when it is less suspicious you are buying for oneself.
- Every few years you will feel you must purge all your lingerie from your house/shed/work hiding place because ‘enough is enough’! ?Then you will go out and do it all again.
